Double Jeopardy of Betrayal

Silence is the true friend that never betrays. – Confucius

It gets me enticed to start writing this; the painful fate drove me to come up with this—full o f sentiments… Anyway that the blog is all about— publicize the melancholic sentiments no matter what people say.

I actually don’t know how and where to start and even what would be and how would this en d-- but there’s only one thing I’m sure of – I want the whole world know how the most painful of betrayal endowed me to change my perspective in life and look forward to start anew. I am not asking for sympathy but to impart the other face of betrayal—the oblique one and to unveil the veracity between twosome’s unspoken scrimmage.

Shallow Friendship

I may not be a good and jolly pal to her; I may have done so many mistakes to her; I may have not done the responsibilities as she may call me a true pal; I may have so many imperfections; I may not made her laughed nor happy but I still do deserve something I could hold on to for what we have been through; a little respect, maybe.

We’ve been constant companions for years. We shared some sort of stuff like the other pals do… I would admit – the small clique has never been had spark between us; I hardly find the chemistry between us… yes, the rapport has easily not come along to us but I still tried that it would only just take time. I don’t know if she felt the same way. We have a lot of differences, I know. Maybe because of more than half a decade of my senior to her. I have already reached more than three decades of my existence here on planet earth, and she reached the full blown of womanhood. I could chuckly say-- generation gap? Astrological sign? Animal sign? Whatever. Days, months and even years passed by and it is still the same…until we came to the point we needed some space to breathe on… Funny because there was no concrete reason why we had to experience that … but I have always prayed we could settle whatever misunderstandings turned up. And God granted my prayer ( Yes… I’m a prayerful person maybe for some may see it otherwise) and I have been always grateful whenever I think nothing is something wrong between us… (At the end, surely there is).

For years that we have been through, one thing that I miss so much – we chatted til midnight. We gossiped some people we work with, the people we both appreciate and admire, and even the people we both dislike (funny some of them are now her close pals). We go to work together, eat breakfast together and sometimes dinner. Her risibilities are sometimes quite irritating but have got used to it and became music to my ears. We shared some personal matters, family, love life, and even crushes (hey this is only for teenagers- well, one very young lady and one late bloomer- this is something to harmonize our friendship).These things are routine for years. I don’t have any idea if she has already got bored with me, and if she did I'm sorry; I did not spice up our lackadaisical friendship. Maybe I'm really such a boring person to her. Or maybe she was not able to identify my true persona and vice versa. She had encountered an enigmatic being like me.

Perfect Strangers

After the Independence Day, one worst thing happened. I have wondered a lot what went wrong. She started to ignore me. I tried to candidly greet and talk to her but the response was so conspicuously phony. I deliberately observed her strangeness towards me. I wittily asked her if she was already persuaded by “these” some people (—she used to dislike) for her to treat me like that. I could admit I had no courage to ask her what was wrong. I initiated to open the communication with her. So I emailed her – twice but I got no reply from her. I was anxious that my message tumbled on her spam folder and she hadn’t bothered to open it. (Grrr… I'm gonna curse the technology for this fate). Worst, if she just ignored my email. (I could have included my email in this sentimental tirade but I chose not to, to protect some people I have obstinately cited in my email). I tried my best to fathom her behavior towards me…I coined this thought that this all have been my fault, again, I committed to her… Did I offend her? Did I hurt her? Did I let her down? My level of acumen could no longer think of any reasons. This strange friend of mine could have told me if she can no longer bear my company. I just couldn’t figure out how difficult it may for her not to tell right in my face. She made me hanging but the end I got her message. So I manage my life in that situation… in the way she prefers.

Days, weeks went by, the situation got intensified – we are totally strangers with each other. No common friends of ours came to the scene to bother ask – what the hell is gong on between two of you? (well, if they noticed and knew something; worse if they don’t care.) If they have heard only one side of the story—that s going to be very, very unfair in my part. They had all the capacity to pry graciously as good intimates in my sight, though.

Constant ignore has been a mundane for both us until we reached the perfection of being strangers. May be I didn’t try hard enough to revive something we have once built up.

Universal Secret

One ingredient in building up a friendship is sharing secrets and insights; whether these are about two of you or other people. Good or bad. Green or wholesome. It is very common to share a secret about someone who catches your attention; someone who gives you rapture feeling. We always had a great time talking about my hush-hush fixation towards this misty chap. She teased me a lot with him. But I deny a lot my feelings for this visored chap. Late bloomer got a lot of hang-ups to divulge the reality, maybe—the deficiency of maturity to face the fact. This has been my longed time clandestine. The elusiveness to admit this childish truth has reached something unexpectedly.

Bizarre Display of Passion

It is absurd why a human being falls for someone without concrete reasons. This may sound so silly. Even the person doesn’t possess a prerequisite good look; someone could still fall for him. Ah… maybe because of his decent character… his distinguished success in life. It is really enigmatic why this oneself seemed not able to demonstrate the typical and normal display of affection towards her secret fixation; she ignores him a lot. Maybe she just doesn’t know how…maybe her being late bloomer, immaturity or hang-ups. This oddity kept on going for years to conceal the unseen ubiquitous fondness towards that person.

Shattered Chances

When two people were both caught each others’ eyes is a great match towards wonderful fervent commitment. Chances came along way to these two to materialize their intentions for each other. They could have taken those chances to make things happened but these have just been wasted; maybe because of some hindrances evolved on their ways—the other people, their own hang-ups; worse their very own fear, cowardice, and uncertainties; or even the oddity of fondness displayed that has been misconstrued.

Two Facets of Hypocrisy

This oneself has been denying of many things about her longed-time hush-hush. I don’t know if her strange pal believes in her sham statements—that she’s giving him up; wishes him happiness; wishes to find someone else to make him happy… all of these are pieces of sanctimonious foolish cliché. She once joked her strange pal that she might fall for him. The latter immediately exclaimed “No” exquisitely. She doesn’t want to get caught up with a man who is of the same line of work.

Days of Ignorance

After the Independence Day, she never knew anything about her strange pal. Months after she just found out that her strange pal and the guy she once wished for are already romantically caught up with each other.

No Quantum of Odium

She may not want to add another facet of hypocrisy but she never felt of any single hatred towards her discovery. But I know she got hurt genuinely; she was in the abyss of devastation. She would rather feel and bear the pain than the hatred because she knows these two people who’ve been closed to her hearts are both now happily together. She has no right to get mad, though.

Self- disguise

Her life goes on as if everything was alright. She lives on her own way of solitude and satisfaction. People she gets along with give reasons to her existence. She created her own world that would make people barely see her brokenness within herself; commit herself to feed young minds. She is in the abyss of devastation but trying hard to emerge herself and keeping her daily routine works well ; focus herself too much on her obligations just to anesthesize the torment she bears dreadfully.

Mother of all Lies

She hasn’t felt of any hatred towards the situation nor the people invovovled but there’s one thing that made her so furious—the misconception that the reason of unspoken scrimmage between them is because of this misty chap. Oh my… is that how debonair he is? Is he that worth it? Anyway, at this point you may know now how these strange pals started their silent dispute. And that is the main reason why you are now reading this; breaking her silence towards this oblique deception.

Professional Solace

She immediately looked for sympathetic ears to give her comfort and ease the pain a bit. One of her confidantes said it is valid what she feels towards dilemma she’s facing now. After confirmation of her discovery, she quickly gets rid off the word betrayal but this confidante of hers uttered this blandly after giving the latter’s adept advice.

Pathetic Audacity

This may sound as such for some. Or, may sound a piece of absurdity. Whatever. May this blog speak a lot for every side of my lamentations. This may seem like a childish or immature tirade that I feel. The validity of emotions brought me profoundly on putting these together and suit to exercising my freedom of speech towards (sorry friends, not political nor social predicaments) fair, moral poignancy.

Move on… Move out… Move forward

It seems so hard to just drift away from it. First things first… move on. Acknowledge the wretchedness’ fate. May evade the things that might be so torturing every night… move out from it. Dwell in a consoling place. Make oneself ready to face the new challenge… move forward. Just look back the things will make you leniently strong.

Before and after all of these, one thing I have been morally upright, I never bad-mouthed against this strange pal of mine through other people. I still respect whatever we have been through; if she had done the same thing, endless gratefulness I will commit ‘til the end of our comradeship; sincere apology for all the imperfections I had contributed.